Maya cemia

[http://users.livejournal.com/_emper_/]

zdraztvouite!
(izvinite, I don't know how to write in Russian with the Latin alphabet, and I didn't yet figure out my keyboard.. so I'll stick to English).

Behind the lj-cut, I have put a text that I composed for Russian class (First year; level 2).
It is about my family (hope you can figure that one out; if not, then my Russian must be really bad).

Technically, I need 15 sentences. I have 20. I was wondering if it was possible to rephrase some sentences and remove some ona and on (highlighted in yellow); I find I use them too often.

Also, I'd like to know if I put the accents at the right places. If ever I did a mistake concerning that, please let me know, because this text is for a recording, so I need to be able to say the words as they sound.

One last thing: for some words, I wasn't sure how to translate them (Parol officer and Fashion designer); if you could let me know what is the correct formula, that would be wonderful!

( Maya cemia )

Thanks a lot for any constructive feedback! ^_^
EMPER