bilingual jokes

[lovimoment.livejournal.com]

I've begun leading an English conversation group at the American Information Center here in Ekaterinburg. Next meeting we are going to talk about humor, and it's been suggested I take some examples of bilingual jokes. Unfortunately, I don't know a lot of them. If anybody knows any, I would appreciate some help!

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

A Russian tourist in London has decided he wants to see more of the UK. He goes to the bus station and at the ticket window says, "Two tickets to Dublin." The cashier, also a recent Russian immigrant, replies, "Куда, блин?" And the tourist says, "Туда, блин!"

Comments

[capitan-blood.livejournal.com]

При заполнении анкеты в гостинице, в графе "sex", советские туристы всегда писали "yes!!!"

[lovimoment.livejournal.com]

Ooohhh...good one!

[oryx_and_crake]

Even better:

One of the tourists answers "yes" to this question, and the other one, sseing this, says:
- Are you stupid or what? You should answer how many times a week!

[kehlen-crow.livejournal.com]

My friend who works as a guide for Turkish tourists says they do it very often.

[oryx_and_crake]

Then there was another joke based on Russian surnames:

Ivan Grozny (Ivan the Terrible) sent an embassy to Elisabeth the Queen of England. The names of the ambassadors were Longinov, Stronginov, Putyatin and Neverov.
The butler announces:
- Your Royal Majesty! From Tsar Ivan, here's for you Long Enough, Strong Enough, Put It In And Never Off.

[fire-81.livejournal.com]

зачот.))

[kehlen-crow.livejournal.com]

great!!

[gera.livejournal.com]

Actually, I heard a similar real story that happened to an Israeli theater director in the late eighties, when his theater was performing in Moscow (I heard it from his daughter).
At the hotel he asked the receptionist in English to wake him up at 6 am. It was very important to him so he repeated several times: "Six! Six!"
Half an hour later two prostitutes showed up at his room door. Apparently, the receptionist hadn't quite understood what he was saying, but he definitely heard "sex".

[crculver.livejournal.com]

Can you go by bus between London and Dublin? Surely the big body of water that is the Sea of Ireland should cause some complications for that.

For what it's worth, I heard the same joke years ago in Kyiv, except then it was set at Borispil airport.

[lovimoment.livejournal.com]

I'd wondered about that myself, but that's the way the joke was originally in Russian ("автобусная касса", it said).

[nekotjonok.livejournal.com]

Russian tourist at the hotel came down to the reception at night and cried "Fucks!" He kept saying the word and was really distressed, so everyone decided he´d been sexually abused. But he only needed to send a fax

Old one about two people meeting in London
-How much watch?
-Siks watch
-Such much?
-To whom how
-Ты что, тоже русский что ли?

[oryx_and_crake]

Actually, this one is not an original Russian thing. It is a slightly modified quote from a movie called "Casablanca" (1942).

"What watch?"[glancing at her wristwatch]
"Ten watch"
"Such watch!"...
"Er, you will get along beautifully in America"

[algyschit.livejournal.com]

Not very bilingual but a good one.

- Who you?
- Who я? Ambassador [pronounced as "амбассадОр"] Petrov!
- Finish MGIMO (http://www.mgimo.ru/)?
- Ask!

[deva-megiddo.livejournal.com]

American IT-managers always not understand why russian programmists hold the rabbit Bunny is writer. They can't ever suppose what is it. But only Russian people know it: "Your Bunny Wrote!"

[gera.livejournal.com]

I heard the following as a real story.

A New York company was trying to organize a night out for the employees and was trying to decide where to go. Employees were asked to submit their suggestions.
At that time a famous Russian choir was in town so a Russian employee suggested it to her boss.
The problem was that she didn't know how to pronounce "choir" in English.
So the boss was really surprised to hear that the suggested activity was called "Рашн хор", that everyone was expected to enjoy.

[gera.livejournal.com]

Here's another real one. A girl I know was talking on the cellphone at her college.
When she said quite loudly: "Факт остаётся фактом...", everyone looked at her.

[algyschit.livejournal.com]

Early morning. A phone call in a hotel room. Sleepy voice:
- Fokin speaking...
- Sorry, eh... f*cking or speaking?

[fludietrich.livejournal.com]

This could've happened in Birmingham, England, where
people pronounce "fuck" as "fock".

[andrushka-il.livejournal.com]

- Закрой окно, дует!
- DO IT YOURSELF !!!

[zhirafka.livejournal.com]

Very old one, from my childhood:

-Do you speak English?
-дую, но ху*во.

[odin2000.livejournal.com]

Do you speak English?
Ees, but фиглиш толку-то?

[fire-81.livejournal.com]

Very drunk man stands on the London Bridge and pissing into the Thames.
The policeman come to him and says:
- Sir. It is the London Bridge!
- Oh! I fucked your London Bridge!
- Sir. But The Houses of Parliament!
- Oh! I fucked your Houses of Parliament!
- But sir! The queen!
- I fucked your queen!
- Oh! I'm sorry, your majesty.

[wolk-off.livejournal.com]

Do you really think this is bilingual?

[fire-81.livejournal.com]

yep.
why not?

[wolk-off.livejournal.com]

Because it is not bilingual. The question was about Russian-English bilingual jokes.

[barilotti.livejournal.com]

It seems that noone mentioned the order of a Russian businessmen in an American hotel

"ту-ти-ту-ту-ту-ту"

which actually meant "Two tea to 222"

[zaplatka.livejournal.com]

The immigration office:
-Name?
-Abu Dalah Sarafi.
-Sex?
-Four times a week.
-No, no, no... male or female?
-Male, female... sometimes camel

[wolk-off.livejournal.com]

You really think this is Russian-English bilingual?

[sharoneedles.livejournal.com]

are you the stay on the exact topic monitor?

[wolk-off.livejournal.com]

Yes I am. Our community's rules say "stay on-topic". As one of this community's maintainers, I have to monitor this. In a 1,200+ community, you have to - otherwise the whole thing slips into flood&flame anarchy, and you may as well forget about this place as a valuable source for those who really learn Russian.

[gjertsen.livejournal.com]

Well, it's also racist and not really all that funny, in addition to not being russian and bilingual. :)

[lovimoment.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with wolk_off here. I like free speech, but at the same time, people should be respectful. Not only is the joke disrespectful, but it's completely useless to me. I can't use it in my discussion group because (1)it's offensive, and (2)it's off-topic. Off-color is one thing - it's allowable among adults. But there's no need for racist jokes.

not meaning to start anything and

[sharoneedles.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my question it was in no way related to the joke, which is pretty tasteless. I just found it funny that he'd commented on two posts questioning the "on-topicness" so I had to say something, and now we've all deviated from the topic as a result.

Re: not meaning to start anything and

[wolk-off.livejournal.com]

We're all deviated from blah-blah-blah because people have to behave themselves. I would dearly love to remind that the best tool for keepind discussions on-topic is a quick ban, effective forever, for those who cannot respect the others.

[evaluna68.livejournal.com]

Not really bilingual, and doesnt even really translate well, and a bit dated, but still one of my favorites (and it does provide a perfect opportunity to teach an idiom):

--How many Soviet leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

--Eight: Gorbachev on a ladder, and seven to turn against him.

[marie-in-paris.livejournal.com]

Так когда, когда, блин, в далёкий мой Dublin,
Приду ль, блин, когда, блин, туда? Хоть не без труда,
Хоть пьян, хоть в бреду, блин,
Я в Дублин приду, блин,
Дойду, добреду, блин, туда!
Так пойду, найду, блин, дорогу в Дублин,
Пойду, блин, найду, блин, найду, найду!
И прямо в Дублин по ней дойду, блин,
Прибуду, приду, добреду!..

That's a song of bard Aleksandr Karpov, "долгая дорога в Дублин", you can listen to the rest of it here : http://www.bards.ru/archives/author.php?id=1641
Enjoy

[marie-in-paris.livejournal.com]

Sorry, actually there's no audio file, only texts.

[sibir-muzhyk.livejournal.com]

I am not sure that it is bilingual joke. But this sentence presents no difficulty for translation:

The Ukraine is independent country. Because absolutely nothing depends on the Ukraine.

real story

[polinet.livejournal.com]

MY firends had english-speakin visitor staying for a week in their house.
Once they asked if he'd like to eat суп с фрикадельками ( meatball soup)for lunch. He already knew enough of russian to get by, but was puzzeld bu this one.
- суп с freak-a-what? he asked

A question

[isca-lox.livejournal.com]

Since when is Dublin part of the UK? :=))

Re: A question

[wolk-off.livejournal.com]

I would ask "UNTIL when it WAS ... ... ..." -- because sometimes it really WAS :)



And yes, I know what 1921 and 1949 mean :)

Re: A question

[isca-lox.livejournal.com]

OK, add AGAIN at the end of my question.
:))

[elly-s.livejournal.com]

An excursion for English tourists in a Russian museum. The guide forgets the word "boxwood" for "самшит" and says: "And here you can see a throne made of самшит". A tourist: "Excuse me? Made of what?"