Translation Help

[n-sane-peace.livejournal.com]

I apologize ahead of time, I'm really new to learning Russian myself, so my Russian is quite rusty.

I'm trying to subtitle a Russian Film and have come to a problem. I'm trying to translate a song and it's coming up more like English Jiberish then anything. I've included the MP3 and my translation. Is anyone kind enough to help me out where I've gone wrong?

I truly appreciate everyone's help!
Warmest,
Laura ^_^

[MP3]

My Translation:

Beginning to sing the dream, the blossoming blossom,
The disappearing day, light going out.
Opening a window, I saw a lilac bush.
It was in the spring in departing day.

Flowers breathed out – and shadows of exulting copes have moved on dark eaves.
The melancholy choked, the soul was engaged,
I threw open the window, trembling and shivering.

Comments

[siberian-cat.livejournal.com]

Well, it is a part of Alexander Blok (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Blok)'s early symbolistic poem (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symbolist_poetry). Literally translating it does not have much sense. Can you just leave it untranslated?

Запевающий сон, зацветающий цвет,
Исчезающий день, погасающий свет.

Открывая окно, увидал я сирень.
Это было весной – в улетающий день.

Раздышались цветы – и на темный карниз
Передвинулись тени ликующих риз.

Задыхалась тоска, занималась душа,
Распахнул я окно, трепеща и дрожа.

И не помню – откуда дохнула в лицо,
Запевая, сгорая, взошла на крыльцо.

[n-sane-peace.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the heads up. I didn't realize it was a poem of Alexander Blok's. I would love to leave this untranslated, but unfortunately I cannot. Since I am subtitling this film, I need to put subtitles for what the characters are saying. This song is used so many times that it would leave a good chunk of the film untranslated. If I could make sense out of the translation then it wouldn't be a problem.

Would you know the next best thing replacing a literal translation?

[arenhaime.livejournal.com]

Maybe it might be a good idea to place a kind of remark where it s told about symbolism of original lyrics.

As for your translation, it's pretty good.
I would suggest you a few replacements and corrections to make the translation closer to the original:

The dream beginning to sing,
*otherwise it looks like "I, beginning to sing a dream, ..."*,
the blossoming color/blossom,
*"Цвет" means either 'color' (primary meaning) and 'blossoms' (more than one blossom, poetic). Here I would use 'color' because of my perceiving of this lyrics, but it's up to you. Please choose the translation you like best of all.*,
The disappearing day, light going out.
Opening a window, I saw a lilac bush.
It was in the spring in day flying away.
I'm not sure about using of 'in' or 'at' preposition here. As for 'departing' - AFAIK this word might be used, if we would talk about a plane :) But in figurative sense 'flying away' makes more sense to me :)

Flowers breathed out – and shadows of exulting copes have moved on dark eaves.
Perfect participle 'Раздышавшиеся' means something like "Flowers that finally are breathing at full capacity". This participle is not used in colloquial Russian AFAIK, but it might exist according to principles of word-formation. It might mean 'Flowers going out of breathe', but it doesn't make much sense to me because of context.
As for 'copes' - it might be good to add a remark explaining what meaning of this word should be used.
The melancholy was choking, the soul was engaged,
The verb 'заниматься' also means something like "to become occupied with/by something" or 'to blaze/flare up'. IMHO the following translation is more preferable: 'The soul was becoming aflame'
I threw open the window, trembling and shivering.

Good luck!

[n-sane-peace.livejournal.com]

Oh my Dear!
I wish I could explain how lucky I am to have you explain the poem. You're a fantastic help.

Thank you for taking the time to go over all of that, you've made everything so much more clear for me. I know it took up a good portion of your time and I am so greatful.

Thank you 100x
♥!

[arenhaime.livejournal.com]

It was a pleasure for me to help you.
If you'll have any further quiestions, please feel free to ask :)