Moscow Times article

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Somewhere, Sometime, Something

By Michele A. Berdy

После дождичка в четверг: at an undetermined time in the future, "after the rain on Thursday," i.e., "when pigs fly"

Place: your office. Time: Friday, 5 p.m. Action: You receive an urgent e-mail from your home office, instructing you to immediately by COB (close of business) get in touch with someone about something to solve a dreadful problem that will cost the company a zillion dollars if not fixed right away. The only thing is, the bit about who you are supposed to call and what you are supposed to do is a bit foggy. On the other hand, it's very clear that your job depends on it. In cases like this, you can say in Russian, Пойди туда, не знаю куда, возьми то, не знаю что. (Go somewhere, I don't know where, and get something, I don't know what.) This phrase from Russian fairy tales -- the feudal version of "complete Mission Impossible by COB" -- is nice to pull out of your linguistic pocket in cases like this. Much better than breaking the computer monitor.

Russian has a plethora of sayings for the extremely vague "somewhere, sometime, something or other." When you are speaking about some place that is "at the end of the world," "the back of beyond," -- i.e., the place your home office wants you to move the Moscow office to in order to bring down the company overhead -- you can say, " чёрта на куличках/на рогах, a phrase that defies literal translation (something like "where the devil sits on pies/on horns"). Or you can say, Риэлтер предлагал помещение на краю земли, в Богом забытом месте. (The realtor proposed a space at the end of the world, in a place even God forgot about.) Or when your office orders you to go on a business trip to a place so far out of the way your travel agency can't figure out how to get you there, you can sigh, Ну да. Все в Париж, а я -- куда Макар телят не гонял. (This is just great. Everyone else is going to Paris, but I'm going to the place where Makar didn't chase his calves.) No one seems to know who Makar was, and why he was so concerned about his calves, but the idea is: a place far, far away. This is also: куда не ступала нога человека -- a place where no foot has trod. Take it from me: I've been on business trips there, and you definitely don't want to go.

If you are thinking of leaving your job anyway, your response to all these requests can be a terse: когда рак на горе свистнет -- literally, "when a crab whistles on a mountain," or in colloquial English: "when pigs fly." If you want to keep your job until you find something better, you can say, Да, поеду -- после дождичка в четверг. (Yes, I'll go -- "after the rain on Thursday," i.e., at some undetermined point in the future, when pigs sprout wings). Another way of expressing "it will never happen" is до морковкина заговенья. According to folks who specialize in explaining obscure Russian expressions, заговенье is the last day before a religious fast begins, that is, the last day a devout believer can eat meat and milk products. Since no one facing a 40-day fast is going to eat carrots on that day, "until the carrot meat-day" means: in your dreams, buddy.

And then there's the news that your boss, with whom you have finally established a decent working relationship after four years of struggle, is leaving for greener pastures. Your new boss is arriving on Tuesday. You meet the guy at the airport and take him to the hotel to sleep off jetlag. Back at the office your staff is waiting anxiously: Ну??? Как он? (Well??? What's he like?) You shrug. He isn't "one thing or the other," "he's a cipher." Ни рыба, ни мясо (not fish or fowl, literally "not fish or meat"), ни мычит, ни телится (literally, "he doesn't moo or produce a calf"), ни то, ни сё (nothing special, "not this or that"), ни в городе Богдан, ни в селе --елифан ("not Bogdan in the city nor Selifan in the village" -- mysterious personages chosen, one suspects, more for rhyme than reason).

So what do you do? Send him куда Макар телят не гонял!


Michele A. Berdy is a Moscow-based translator and interpreter.